He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
