i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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