She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
