U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
