Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
