I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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