Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I need to wash the frat house off of me
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
