I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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