The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
