I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
jump out the window naked night went bad
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
