He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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