also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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