Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
