I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Randomize
