Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
