we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
