So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
