My sheets look like a crime scene.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
