No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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