I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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