her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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