You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
