what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
