why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
