If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
