I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I AM VODKA MAN
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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