So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
