do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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