4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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