My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
