ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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