I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
