Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
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