They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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