Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize