My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Dicks are not precious.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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