mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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