My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
