a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
