The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
