Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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