In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I have tasted many bathrooms
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
