Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
