I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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