Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
