don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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