maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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