after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
