I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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