I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
